Today is my someday

It’s about 6 o’clock on a Friday and I am exhausted. I am mentally and physically drained. My family got some devastating news that one of my uncles had passed away on Monday, and truthfully I still have not processed it all the way. It was unexpected and heartbreaking. Needless to say my mind has been all over the place and I have been really focused on trying to be as present as possible with my husband and my own kids. I have been more intentional than ever to not leave conversations on a bad note or go to bed angry. You know all of those typical things we tend to think of when our own mortality is questioned.

I have been wondering though, how long will that last? Will I be present and intentional for a week, two weeks, perhaps even a month, and then it is back to business as usual? I’d like to think not, but in order to be changed for the better and for good, it is going to take a lot more focus and a maintained state of living intentionally and with purpose each and every day.

I believe that we were made for a purpose that is bigger than anything we could ever imagine, but we have to be willing to let ourselves dream bigger dreams. We have to let go of the sides of the pool and figure out how to swim in order to discover that purpose. This paragraph sounds a little trite and “can do”, but this is actually a really big deal that I would even be writing this. It is not that I have ever struggled to believe in other people or other people’s purpose, but I have struggled for a long time with MY own purpose and struggled to believe in myself. These feelings of unworthiness stem from a lot of past hurt and baggage that until recently I’ve kept tucked away neatly in the crevices of my heart. On the surface my heart or my life has looked transformed, but deep down inside I kept clinging to old wounds, lies, and beliefs.

Among the many different books I have been reading, Making it Happen by Lara Casey is one of the most recent ones. One of my favorite aspects of this book is that in order to ‘make it happen’, in order to find my purpose and to live my purpose I really don’t have to work all that hard. Well, let me rephrase that, I don’t have to work hard in the way that I used to think.

My whole life I have been focused on arriving at the destination, that I forget to enjoy the journey. I am in such a rush to get “there” that when I finally do, I am already moving on to the next destination. I’ve been left empty and unaccomplished time and time again. Living life that way only leaves me feeling like I will never get “there” because “there” doesn’t actually exist. It is painted by lies and empty promises. That when I finally have that job, that house, that marriage, that family life, that income, that you fill in the blank THEN I will be happy, then I will be content, then I will be able to live my purpose and make things happen.

I had this huge epiphany a couple of weeks ago though that I am already that girl that can live my purpose– right here, right now. I am already the girl that can have that marriage, that home, that family, that career, that whatever. Seeing myself in this light has allowed me to rest a little more in my weakness and in His strength. Seeing the truth that there is no amount that I could ever work to please Him or no amount of work I could ever do to be enough has brought so much freedom. I am free to try, to stumble, to struggle, to fail, to keep going.

I guess, one of the biggest things I have learned through this tragedy is that we don’t know when it will be our time to go. Why spend another day wishing that you were that person you always imagined yourself to be someday. Why not start being that person today? Right now, in this moment. It may not be an easy transformation, I know for me it sure wasn’t. But YOU are worthy of any and every dream you have. You are worthy of so much more than you might think. Now is the time to live your purpose, to make it happen.