Day 1, all over again

I’m curious, how much does a pound weigh? I mean like really weigh…yes, I know in literal terms it is 16 ounces, but in reality it is so much more. If I am being completely open and honest it’s been a while since I’ve seen the scale move. It’s also been a while since I’ve been as committed to a nutrition plan as I am now.

Throughout my life I’ve dealt with disordered eating in some form or another. I’ve dealt with anorexia, attempted bulimia, over ate, binge ate, and of course the all to common yo-yo dieting. Now all of those may not technically qualify as disordered eating, in my opinion they are in their simplest form dis-ordered eating. So why then do I lump them all together? Because in their own little way, each deals with an abnormal relationship with food. Each abuses food and uses it to mask or hide my insecurities, my pain, my feelings of inadequacy, and my need for control.

I think that part of what had held me back from committing completely to a program has been a fear of triggering old eating disorders or provoking the mental demons that had tormented me in years passed around vanity, the scale, and a need to fit into a certain mold whether it was society’s or my own.

So what’s changed? Why did I commit and why haven’t I ‘cheated? I knew my weaknesses coming into it. I knew my past, and I knew the areas that I truly wanted to be healed from. You see, in each of the disordered eating scenarios I described above I was in a painful and broken place in my life.

I acknowledge even now that I am broken, and I will continue to be in one way or another until forever. How is it different today than it was a year, 5 or even ten years ago? I am loved. I am cherished. I am enough just as I am. The wild thing is, I’ve been all of those things all along. The difference now is that I know it. Like deep in my soul, down to my toes know it. It has taken time, and humility, and grace. Lots and lots of grace.

So I ask again, how much does a pound weigh? Years of insecurity? Years of feeling unloved and unwanted? Years of hearing yourself or someone else call you ugly, fat, worthless? Sweet friend, I invite you today to come along with me on this journey. Can I promise that it will be easy? No, in fact I promise it will be quite the opposite. Will it be worth it? Yes, absolutely worth every drop of sweat, every tear, and every moment that pushes you to the absolute end of yourself.

Today marks the first day of round 2, my results from round one are in. I lost a total of 9 pounds, some shame, some guilt, and most of all some fear of reviving old eating habits. I’ve changed in the last week. I’ve had time to reflect on the previous 3 weeks, and again I feel like I am being refined.

I am eager to continue this journey, because that is what it is, a journey. There is no finish line. There is no quitting. There is no giving up. It’s not all or nothing,  its just all. Show up every day and give it YOUR all on that day. I am standing beside you, I am fighting alongside you. Today WE can stand together and conquer our fears and our demons together.

If you’ve been waiting for a sign and you’re reading this..maybe this is your sign. Want to hop in on this journey with me fill out the application or email findyourthrive@gmail.com