Last night at small group I felt the Lord revealed some pretty major things to me. Nothing new, but specific things he’s been working on in me for a while, and apparently still wants to teach me.

Sin is kind of sneaky like that. We don’t feel the symptoms of it and we think we are healed until we are confronted with the ugly hard truth that we’ve been stuck in the same garbage.

Will we ever break free?

That’s a question I’ve been pondering lately. Will I ever be healed of the deep rooted sin and pain that I insist on carrying or will it be the thorn in my side.

Maybe I just answered my own question. As long as I insist on carrying my sin around and choose not to believe God’s truth and not accept how he feels about me, I will be stuck.

I have struggled off and on as a perfectionist, control freak, and have also gone to the opposite end and have become complacent, lazy, and comfortable . It’s always been an all or nothing, but rarely (if ever) both/and.

It’s kind of funny even thinking about how I grouped those together because it’s all based on my perception of whether or not those things are good or bad in my own eyes. I know the Bible and society have formed opinions on both and have no doubt shaped my perspective in some way. I guess I still see being perfect and living a completely blissful life as the end goal and therefore categorize those traits as good. And something to work for. Day after day after day..

A little bit of irony lies here in the fact that I totally blew off my morning. I deliberately stayed in bed (for the second day in a row) got up and only got through most of my morning ritual. The sleeping in and not sticking to routine made me feel nervous and anxious as I lay in bed trying to decide if I was being obedient to Jesus or giving into laziness and succumbing to feelings of overwhelm and therefore becoming despondent.

This morning has been great. I got my quiet time in, went through my affirmations and even had time for visualization. All key stone parts to my morning routines and rituals. I plan to exercise when I get home and cut down on work a bit as well. I admit it still feels scary. I keep wondering if I will have enough time to do it all. But maybe that’s the problem..I don’t need to do it all. I will still be loved even if dinner is late, even if I don’t get all my work done.

This month, I’ve really been pushing myself in ways that haven’t produced fruit. Instead it’s produced feelings of exhaustion and dare I even mention dread..I truly LOVE the work that I do and I feel it’s a calling on my life, so it really kills me to think that I would ever not want to get up and do it. But the attitude I’ve had has not been something that is life giving or joyful. I don’t imagine the Proverbs 31 woman working from this same heart or mindset.

Between the revelations from last night’s prayer time at group and my time in the Word this morning, I am convinced that I’ve been laboring in vain. I’ve forgotten that no matter how hard I work at something if I am not seeking the Father to bless it or trusting him more than myself I will burn out. Not only in work, but as a wife, mom, friend, and disciple.

God’s economy really is different. The world tells us always to hustle, always grind, and at the end you will look back and feel something—whether that’s accomplishment or regret depends on your priorities I suppose.

I’ve heard it go both ways. I have lived with the mindset that if I just work hard enough I’ll get ‘there’ and then I’ll be happy, but every time I’ve gotten ‘there’ I am not happy and still seeking more.

Maybe it’s time I start enjoying the process, taking it all in, and making more room for the unexpected?