How to leave the most dysfunctional relationship you’ve ever been in

How to leave the most dysfunctional relationship you’ve ever been in

Diets are like relationships…toxic, dysfunctional ones. If you’ve ever been in a relationship like that or  seen someone else in one, you tend to notice a pattern. They leave one only to find  themselves in another one. Going through the same crap, just slightly different scenery.

This is because in relationships (much like diets) you can’t escape your own baggage, your own ‘stuff’. The only way that happens is when you work on it. If you go from one diet to another without doing the mindset work, the results will be just like the last one. 

Just like in bad relationships–unless you work on your own issues, you will be taking them into every new relationship.

Time to change your relationship status

For most of us moving from one diet to another, we are coming into each new next diet with a heap of guilt or shame around our bodies. A lack of trust in ourselves when it comes to food. Oftentimes we feel beat up and discouraged from previous diets or past comments about our bodies. In desperation we go from one bad diet to another hoping the next one will be the one that helps us find our happy ending. 

Here’s the fine print, most diets don’t advertise or tell you about: Without changing your relationship with food or yourself, every single new diet or attempt to lose weight will be a failure. It will leave you feeling empty and disappointed. And the results (if any) will be fleeting. Just like when you bounce from one toxic relationship to another.

Your body wants to be healthy, happy, and vibrant. It doesn’t want to be dominated by brutal workout programs or diets,  it also doesn’t want to be abused by food or lack of movement.

When you honor your body with movement and food, it will take care of you, I promise. It will find it’s natural , healthy weight not the arbitrary one on the chart at the doctor’s office.

One way you can begin to change your relationship with food, your body, and ultimately you, is by changing the emotion fueling you to eat better, move more, or any other lifestyle change you are making.

Here’s the catch though, you can’t change your relationship with food until you change your thoughts and beliefs.

Ready to ditch the dysfunctional relationship?

One exercise that can help you is called the 7 Why’s. Grab a sheet of paper, and at the top write what it is you want—to lose x weight, to have more energy, to lose fat, whatever it is.

Then ask yourself why you want that. Then ask yourself again…and again and again until you’ve asked yourself ‘why’ 7 times. If you’ve been totally up front and honest with yourself you will have the real reason you want that thing. Which will be pretty telling of the emotion fueling the goal. 

One thing I’ve noticed though in doing this exercise with myself (as well as my clients) is we aren’t always honest with ourselves about what is driving us toward our goals.

Another thing that can keep us stuck in our old ways is the amount of information we are bombarded with on a day to day basis around food, health, and weight loss we can get distracted. When we get distracted, we can’t give ourselves the gift of consistency. Which is what it takes to make any sort of change.  

What do you really want?

By getting to the real reason we want our goals, and the meaning we’ve assigned to having that thing, we can let go of having to have our goal before you can feel what we want to feel about ourselves. This frees you to pursue your goals with a different heart. Instead of chasing your goals feeling like a chore, it is fun. 

You’re no longer waiting on the goal to feel happy, fulfilled, or content because you get to experience those emotions here and now.

 Having a  healthy relationship with yourself changes all of the other relationships you have..including the one with food and your body. 

Suddenly you realize you don’t have to be so consumed with what you’re eating or if you’re doing it ‘right’. Which in turn gives you more energy and time to devote to the things that actually matter.. 

If you weren’t so preoccupied with your body or food, what would you invest that time and energy on instead?

xo,

Alisha

PS. Is it time to upgrade your relationship with yourself? Learn how to do that and so much more in The Mindful Eating Project (registration opening soon, click here to get on the waitlist)

How to get the most out of personal development books

How to get the most out of personal development books

Every few months the cleaning bug seems to hit me, and I start a massive purging of the stuff I’ve managed to accumulate over the days and months.

During one of these deep cleaning sessions, I found a box of journals I’d kept. I began  flipping through journals from several years ago, and realized even though time had passed I hadn’t really changed all that much. 

 I decided then and there I didn’t want to let more time to pass without growing. I didn’t want to just be going through the motions of pretending to do better. I had been reading all the best personal development books, but realized very little had really changed in my life. 

 There was a brief moment of failure that flashed through my mind as I realized I had spent months and even years reliving the same heartbreak or the same struggle. What a waste of precious time. I began to wonder if I could actually change?

I was doing the same things day after day, yet expecting different results (reminds me a little of my time as a chronic dieter too…), for the first time, I’d seen I was basically just pretending to ‘do the work’. You can’t read a book, go to a seminar, buy a course and expect to be different. You must dig in-deep, and do the work. This lesson applies to nearly every area of your life. It’s not enough to just show up. First you show up, then you do the work. 

At one point or another, you’ve probably heard the saying “You can’t do the same thing and expect things to be different”, yet time and time again we find ourselves trying that same strategy.

Here’s the thing though, you won’t solve your problems with the same thinking and behavior that created those problems.

For me, during this deep cleaning sesh, I was forced to confront myself in a way I don’t think I ever had. A new sense of self-awareness emerged. Ultimately, it was that self awareness that was the key to sparking actual change in my life. 

Look at the bigger picture

The first step I took was back. I had to get a bird’s eye view of what  I had been doing, and how I had been going about ‘it’ (in this case it was personal development, but for you the ‘it’ might be weight loss, might be creating boundaries around your time, etc). What was working about it, what wasn’t?

Instead of the outside in approach–simply utilizing strategies or reading more books, I needed to take an inside out approach. I had to take a hard look at my behaviors (despite what I might had been telling myself) and my values.

Subconsciously there was a disconnect between what I was truly believing and what I was doing. The way I was acting wasn’t supporting the things I said I wanted.

 It’s like telling yourself this time will be different, but taking the same approach.

You can’t just change the method, you have to also change yourself–the way you think, what you believe, and then what you do. 

Let’s be real though, behaviors and thoughts are hard to change. There are times we find ourselves slipping back into that old way of thinking or doing things. We have to be vigilant to guard our minds the old patterns.

Instead of looking at this as something with a finish line, take the posture of practice. Show up daily looking for ways you can practice following through, showing up, and growing.

Once I found the disconnect, I was able to create connection between what I said and what I did. Creating alignment  between what I said I wanted and what I was doing to actually create the change I wanted to see allowed me to live with integrity. Which ultimately led to more confidence and self-respect. 

I wish you could grasp what it’s felt like to go from being unaware and pretending  to self aware and actually doing. That alone was a huge boost to my confidence. I mean, you can experience it for yourself too. By becoming more self aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions you are able to decide whether or not you’re acting in line with the woman you want to be or not.

Action is what creates results. We don’t get results from pretending. We get results from actually digging in and doing the hard work, and calling your own bluff. 

xo,

Alisha

PS. Ready to do things differently, but not quite sure where to start? I got you. Start doing life The Strong[HER] Way by doing life a little differently. Get strategies, tools, and find community by signing up below.

 

Define success on your terms-how to find your North Star

Define success on your terms-how to find your North Star

What lies or excuses are you willing to give up to become who you want to be? Because here’s the thing, you can’t hold onto your excuses or the BS story you keep telling yourself, and be the woman you were created to be. 

The other day I was on a walk with my dog, Pepper. She’s not the best at the game fetch, and truthfully would probably rather I chase her or play tug of war with the stick instead of her retrieving it for me.

To get around this, I will throw one stick and then another one so she’s alternating between the two sticks, because when I do this, she has to *choose* between the two sticks. She can’t have both at the same time—even though she does try.

While we were playing this ridiculous version of fetch the other day I thought about how often, this is  how we try to live our lives …we want to change, to grow, to become the better version of ourselves, but we aren’t fully ready to let go of the things we know we need to in order to reach that next level. 

Time to rip off the band-aid and get to work

We try all of these outside in approaches to ‘fix’ ourselves–meal plans, diets, new workout programs, new planners and time management strategies, but we don’t take a hard enough look at what’s really going on inside. 

 If you want to create lasting change in any area of your life whether it’s getting to a body you feel comfortable and confident in or it’s building a better relationship with your partner, you have to take the inside out approach. 

The problem we often face though is the ‘quick fix’ mentality. We are desperate for change, for relief, for better, so out of desperation we will try anything that promises quick change. Quick fixes don’t really fix anything long-term. And they are no more than a band-aid approach to something that may need a deeper level healing.  

You can’t have it both ways, you can’t operate using the same system or foundations you have been and get where you want to go, you have to be willing to let go of the lies, habits, and behaviors that aren’t serving the future version of yourself you are trying to create. You’ve gotta shift your perspective. 

 Find your North Star

I believe you are the best expert when it comes to your life. Only you can truly decide what matters most to you. So instead of looking for the next guru or expert to tell you how to spend your time, what you should look like, and who you should be…look in the mirror. Ask yourself those questions, and then wait for the answers to come. When they do, they will point you in the direction of your own personal North Star.

You can only do this by knowing yourself well. Knowing your deepest desires and dreams. What are the things that excite you? What are your non-negotiables?

If you could snap your fingers and be the ‘dream version of yourself’ what would she feel about herself? How would she show up in her life–relationships, work, etc? Who would she be?

Your roadmap to your North Star

Once you have the vision in your mind and in your heart, you can then draw up a plan. Reverse engineer the vision to figure out what you need to start doing differently in your own life to get you closer to your North Star.

For example, if you want to be known as being dependable, you must define that first for yourself so you have clear actions to take–does it mean you’re on time? Does it mean you’re prepared? Does it mean you do what you say you’ll do?

Then (and this might be the most important part) you must realize you have to be dependable for yourself FIRST before you can be that for others, because how you do anything is how you do everything, so if you’re not first dependable to yourself, how will you be for the other things that matter to you?

I get it, the band-aid solution seems so much easier. Just like my dog, Pepper had a hard time deciding which stick she wanted more, and which she was willing to let go of, we too, run into the tough decision of leaving who we were behind so we can grab hold of what and who we can be. This is a decision we will have to make moment by moment. 

Let go of the stick that doesn’t serve you, and take a firm hold of the one that does will bring a weird sense of freedom to your life. It’s as if your heart knows you are now acting in alignment with what you were meant to be doing instead of going after someone else’s idea of good enough. 

Once you have identified your North Star and the actions you must take to get there, you will have the blueprint in hand to live your life unapologetically, authentically showing up as yourself. 

This frees you up to be a woman of your word to yourself first and foremost, which is what allows you to be that woman to the world around you. Making lasting change in your life starts to feel easier, more doable. Which is far better than trying another quick fix and being defeated yet again. 

Do the tough work, my friend. You are worth it, and the world needs you to be who you were created to be.

x,

Alisha

PS. Are you on the list yet? Get strategies sent right to your inbox weekly by joining the list. Fill out the form below if you’re ready to embrace The Strong[HER] Way to live, move, and eat.

 

How to be healthy, present, and have more meaningful connections

How to be healthy, present, and have more meaningful connections

 How many times have you said you want to be healthy,  be more present in your life, or have more meaningful connections with others (as well as yourself)?

We say we want one thing, yet we act in ways that contradict and sabotage our deepest dreams and desires.

For example: we want to be healthier so that we have the energy to keep up with our kids, yet we waste our energy on things like tracking our food, counting calories, or comparing our bodies to those around ours.

Perhaps you’re more apt to frequently give into your cravings and skip the workout because Netflix was more appealing.

You say you want one thing, but you act the opposite. We have all done it from time to time. The key is to learn how to change the habit. 

 6-packs and flat abs, worth the cost?

There was quite a long season in my life I chased having 6-pack abs, but had to sacrifice things that deeply mattered to me. For me, some of the things I had to give up weren’t worth the flat abs. I wanted to have pizza night with my family. I wanted my daughter to grow up seeing her mama happy and healthy. Not just healthy. 

I was living out of alignment with my deeper core values. This made it nearly impossible to stick with what I needed to do in order to have or maintain the abs.

 Perhaps the problem isn’t your will power, but rather the problem is chasing someone else’s idea about what you should *look* like, be like, and what you should do to get there.

For many of us, when we chase someone else’s idea of success in any area of our lives or we resolve to follow their plan instead of adapting it to fit our own lives we end up not being able to hack it. This of course leads to feeling like we suck, like we’re failures. Like there is something wrong with us. 

We feel torn and exhausted because we are chasing someone else’s goals or ideas and wonder why we don’t make any real, lasting progress. 

For me, I knew I couldn’t and didn’t want to keep starting over. The 6-pack abs weren’t worth what it was costing me in the rest of my life.

Can healthy actually feel easy(ier)?

Maybe I lacked will power, maybe I wasn’t good enough to keep dieting. One thing I knew for sure was I wanted my healthy lifestyle to feel easier. I wanted it to be as natural  feeling as living an unhealthy lifestyle. 

Once I realized I had been chasing someone else’s goals and ideas instead of my own it clicked as to why I wasn’t able to maintain the diet or the crazy intense workout programs.

 On the surface I was doing all the things I thought I was supposed to, but deep down, I didn’t want to have to give up carbs or sugar forever. I didn’t want to have to follow a meal plan any longer. I didn’t want to have to do a specific workout if I didn’t feel like it.

The craziest thing is, even when I was doing #allthethings I wasn’t even getting the results I wanted anyway. So not only was I not rocking the 6-pack abs, I wasn’t even all that happy doing what I was doing.

Self-discovery, the key to your success…

The first thing I did, was said no more. No more to following someone else’s rules, meal plans, or exercising the way I thought I should. 

I got to know myself and what really mattered to me.

I had to figure out what was giving me energy, what was draining it.

If my kids were the most important thing, was the way I was living reflecting that? Was I actually working out for my husband or for some other reason? 

I have to admit,  I was scared to let myself be the one in charge at first. Even with a background in exercise and nutrition, I had forgotten how to trust myself to know what I needed.

In many ways, I felt like a failure.. I mean why, as a fitness professional was I struggling so much with what to eat and how to move my body?

There were many times I felt uncertain of doing it my way instead of what the world told me to do. 

…trust me, it’s going to take some time

Though it’s taken some time (which all good things do) I’ve been able to find my own version of balance. This came through being patient with myself, having grace when I messed up, and rebuilding the relationship with myself. 

I get it, the idea of owning your behaviors is scary. It means you’re responsible for what happens. When we follow a diet or commit to following someone else’s plan for our lives, they are sort of responsible right. We can pass the blame…even if it’s just a little.

I promise though, it is 100% worth it to do the work in getting to know yourself.

 When your actions are aligned to what you really want and what is actually important to you, living a healthy lifestyle takes way less will power. Which makes it easier to stick with even when life gets crazy. Now that’s a healthy lifestyle I can get behind 😉 

Why having the perfect body won’t make you happy

Why having the perfect body won’t make you happy

 I used to think having the perfect body would bring me happiness. It would bring me joy, it would make me ‘enough’.

I got the perfect body (or as close to it as possible), and still felt like joy, happiness, and ‘enoughness’ were missing.

In fact, when I was my leanest, smallest, and fittest my marriage was the most unhealthy it had ever been.

I was the most selfish I had been.

When I realized I couldn’t keep going the way I was, and ‘let myself go’ a little, I found a weird freedom.

I felt like I could breathe, catch my breath, relax a little, but realized I still had those same fears and desires… to be happy, joy filled, enough. I started chasing success in work. It didn’t take long before I noticed the same unhealthy obsession and patterns as when I was pursuing a perfect body.

The enoughness, the happiness, the joy…it comes right here, right now in this moment right where your feet are. It comes from inside. It’s not in a number on the scale, your bank account, your likes, or in any relationship with another human being. The happiness, the joy, the enoughness comes from a healthy relationship with yourself. A sense of belonging to yourself. And being comfortable being you. Not the version of yourself you think you need to be.

Even if you lost the weight or hit the goal, you’re still going to be fighting for more…if you can’t be happy, joy filled, content, in the body you’ve got now, in the relationship you’re in, or the job you have, you never will be.

Is contentment the same thing as giving up?

For many, the fear is that being content means we’ve simply given up or sold ourselves short.

We might fear the whispers of what others will say or think about us for “letting ourselves go”. But more than anything maybe we fear actually having true joy, peace, happiness, because then you run the risk of losing it. 

 No matter what I am chasing, if I’m doing it to add anything to myself or to make me more enough, I will never reach it.

Instead of pursuing our goals and dreams so that we can have whatever it is we are seeking, we must pursue them FROM the place of already being enough. When we can work on our health from that place, we can find peace that even if we don’t reach the goal, we still make progress. Even if we don’t have the fairy tale marriage, we still have a great one. 

As long as you’re doing the things from that place of needing them to make you happy or content, it will never come.

 You can’t control the outcome no matter what you try.

But, you can control what you think, feel, and experience here and now.

Who’s to say ‘there’ would be better anyway? I’ve been ‘there’ in my body, and I was miserable. On the surface I thought I was happy. But I wanted to run away from my life, from my marriage.

I thought the grass was greener on the other side. Turns out, the grass is greener where you water it. 

It’s time to work, work, work…

 Set out to work on yourself. Not in the superficial way, in the deep way. For me, I started reading books, listening to podcasts, found mentors.

You’ve got to develop new thoughts about your circumstances, your body, your marriage.

Craft a new belief: there is NOTHING you or I could do, achieve, or have that would make us more loved, enough, prized than we already are.

Redefine what success looks like for you in each area of your life. 

 The worldly view is hard to escape. Our old views of success keep creeping in. That is why you need to deeply connect with yourself and how you want to define success in your life.

 The thief of your joy + the antidote

Comparisonitis is another thing that will derail you from making lasting progress. Do what you must to guard your heart and mind from this thief. Comparing yourself is not only a waste of time, but literally makes no one feel better about themselves.

Do you need to unfollow some people? Do it.

Gratitude is another amazing weapon against the comparison trap. Be grateful for what you have. Forget what she has, what she’s doing, or what she looks like. What can you be truly thankful for today? Find joy in those things by celebrating them today.

Defining success on your own terms allows you to run your own race. You’re free to be radically yourself.

Staying present and grateful for what you do have in this moment lets you find joy in the journey. You’re no longer waiting until the ‘after’ to live the life you want to live or be the woman you were created to be. 

The journey is the gift, and the sweet spot is enjoying the process while you work toward the destination.

How to communicate with your partner to get the support you need while making lifestyle changes

How to communicate with your partner to get the support you need while making lifestyle changes

In the early days of marriage, I remember being terrified to speak my mind. I was afraid if speak up for what I wanted or needed he would get mad, and would end up leaving. I know how silly that must sound… so insecure, and perhaps even a bit naive to how real love actually works. I’m not entirely sure where that insecurity or fear came from, but it was there, and it was real. 

It took us going through a pretty rocky season–one I’m not sure we would have survived had it not been for our faith. We found ourselves in a situation I was sure I would have walked out on before I was actually there.

At the same time, the strangest thing happened. I was no longer afraid to speak up, to petition for my needs in our relationship. There was an ease between us that wasn’t there before. Maybe it was because I knew then that we were two flawed people committed to making it work. For good or bad, in sickness, and in health until one of us kicks the bucket.

Here’s the deal…if you’re in a healthy, loving relationship, you have to know your partner is on your side.

He’s for you.

He wants to see you soar and succeed. 

You mean we’re on the same side?

I used to think it was me vs him. That if one of us got what we wanted, that automatically meant the other didn’t.

I would tip-toe around what I needed, what I wanted.

And then got so mad when he didn’t read my mind accurately. This of course caused so many other problems then if I had just been up front, open, and honest with him about what I needed. 

 Many of my clients come to me ready and excited to make a change in their lives..yet, as we get into the work, they have all sorts of excuses why they can’t follow through–and more times than not it has something to do with their partner.

Recognizing you’re on the same team is the first step in opening  the lines of communication. When you understand it’s not a fight to see who is going to get what they want, but that you both can have what you need and want, you’re able to ask for   what you want without feeling ashamed or guilty.

Even though it shouldn’t be, woman guilt is a real thing. So is feeling guilty for taking time for yourself when you should be doing the laundry, cleaning a toilet, or any other item on your never ending to-do list instead of trying a new workout class or going out with your girl friends. 

The problem is when we don’t ask for what we want, we often end up resenting our husbands or partners because we feel like we don’t have any time for ourselves. 

…but he can’t read your mind 😉

The reality is my husband didn’t know what I needed unless I spoke up. Neither does yours.. And if they don’t know what we need, how in the world can they give it to us or help us get it for ourselves?

I had to trust him. I had to let go of control of the insecurity and fear he might leave me. I had to learn how to delegate. 

 Carve out the time on your calendar to chat with your partner.

Be willing to negotiate your schedules so each of you get  time to recharge. 

Protect the time you carved out for yourself as best as you can. I know how hard this can be when you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

Let them know how they can support you. This is key! They don’t know what you need from them unless you tell them.

Look out for the speed bumps

 Not all partners will be supportive, I get that. This is an unfortunate reality too for some of you reading this. While you can’t change them, you can still control yourself and your time. Figure out ways you can still get the time you need for yourself without them feeling like you’re being selfish.

Could you do something for yourself early in the morning? Perhaps during the day, you can take a break and do something kind for yourself.

Brainstorm ways you still take the time for yourself despite them being on board. 

Maybe your partner is on board, but you let your guilt win, and you don’t give yourself the time you needed and wanted. If this is where you find yourself, you’re just going to have to get over the guilt. 

The best way to do that is by exploring why you’re feeling guilty about investing in yourself. What do you feel like you’re dropping the ball on if you take a time out to treat yo’self? Then ensure you take the steps needed to not drop the ball or get rid of that ball all together 😉

When you and your partner can band arms and get on the same page, it ends up being a win-win for everyone.  You get what you need (time to take care of you), and they end up getting a more energized and confident version of you–which allows you to take better care of him and the rest of your responsibilities. 

The best part might be, you feel like a team working for one another instead of fighting with each other. Get ready to welcome a whole lot more peace, calm, and time for yourself.